For so many years I envisioned myself as a successful wedding planning – empire building – NYC penthouse living – powerful business woman out to change the world one gorgeous peony bouquet at a time. I wear shoes that cost more than my rent – because I could – and enjoy the daily hustle and bustle of city life – concierage included. Starbucks by day – takeout and lavish restaurants by night. Yup. Sounded like bliss.
My plan was simple. Finish college (ugh), move to the city, become an overnight wedding planning success story, buy fancy things and shower people with gifts regularly. I would wait until my late twenties to really think about settling down with someone and start a family because I needed time to be independent and just do me. I needed to be established in society before any of the white picket fence nonsense came my way.
It was the perfect plan.
The Lord does funny things when we have our own plans.
While I was daydreaming about the life I thought I would soon be living, Jesus had his plans for me that he was going to execute. He had plans that would put me on the right course. HIS course. He knew the true desires of my heart. My love for people and for ministry. My longing for young women to know their worth in Jesus. (And my love for shoes, as silly as it may be.)
All of these desires that I would NEVER allow to dictate decisions in my life, were actually the things that the Father had placed in me. He handpicked those gifts specifically for my soul. He knew that he could coax them out and show me my REAL dreams rather than the silly ones I have imagined for myself, by myself.
He also knew that if I walked into a Halloween party where a handsome stranger would serenade me boy band songs from the stage, I would be done for. Completely hooked. Smitten. Who would not fall in love on the spot to a grown man singing NSYNC in an adult sized onesie? (Just me?)
Thats how I found myself married by the age 22 and a stay at home momma by 23, living in Northern Colorado suburbia. Living one grocery list at a time. Definitely not my plan. With one night, and one song, the King completely changed the trejectory of where I thought my life was headed. He definitely knows how to throw curveballs.
He removed this idea that I had to be alone for a while. I thought I needed to be flying solo for a few years after college in order to “learn about myself” and “be independent.” In reality he knew the truth. I needed support. He knew that I needed someone to care for me and support me as I learned about myself and my independence. I had always been fairly independent and needed to reign that in some.
This was so much better than my “ideal” life.
My plan isolated me from others and was focused on the world views of success rather than the Kingdom views of success that my heart truly longed for. I thought that I would be safe if I kept with worldly plans. I didn’t see myself as worthy of Kingdom plans. I had made plenty of mistakes and done things I wasn’t proud of, so to me, it made sense to create dreams that the world would approve of rather than seek the Kings dreams for me. Earthly money and riches I could fathom, but Kingdom wealth and riches? There is no way I would be good enough for that.
At first I fought it. I fought it hard. I didn’t want his plans. They were unfamiliar territory. I would be forced to surrender my own plans, and I really, REALLY wanted those Louboutins and the big-city lifestyle. I would have to step faithfully into the unknown, without a plan. I would have to re-dream my life – and do it by His standards. I would have to seek His plans rather than just decide things for myself. It was a serious commitment that I seriously believed I was not ready for.
He knew I was ready.
By shattering my plans, the Father stripped away all of the insecurities that I had about success and what I was worth. He showed me that I was 100% worthy of every single blessing he had for me. I was worth HIS Kingdom, His plans, and the life that He had dreamed up for me.
What I found, however, was that life itself wasn’t for me. Do I want to be known and successful in my ventures, regardless of what they may be? Sure I do. Everyone does. But, I want to glorify the Lord more. I know that through all of my experiences and dreams he was grooming me for exactly where I am now. He was preparing my heart to live a life that belonged to Him rather than to myself.
Had I looked away from the Kings plans I could have missed out completely on the life that I am living right now. I would be short of all of the blessings and experiences that he has gifted me with.
I can confidently say, without a shadow of a doubt, I am doing exactly what I am meant to be doing in His eyes; building a Kingdom based empire and focusing on truth, working from home so I can care for my kiddos, and focusing on His glory and daily wins rather than my own.
Is it hard to keep that kind of focus and not just focus on me? Of course. I am only human. I have my selfish woe-is-me days where nothing goes my way and I feel sorry for myself. I have the days where things seem too big for normal me and that my dreams should be smaller.
What it really comes down to is the fact that I am positive that if I follow His dreams for me and His plan rather than my own, I will be immeasurably more fulfilled. The happiest version of myself. He gave me my desires and created me to fulfill a purpose. With that continually in the forefront of my mind, I do my best to believe His truths and move forward each day knowing that as long as I am driving down His road, I will succeed and hopefully make a Kingdom worthy difference.
Now, living my life today, with His purpose and not my own, I’ll take my worn in Converse over Louboutins any day of the week. They came directly from the King, and fit me perfectly.